up where we belong

i was born in east malaysia.

in kota kinabalu sabah, in fact.

a few months after that we moved back to kuala lumpur (or was it pj?), a short stint in alor star, back to kl, then to quetta, pakistan for a year, melaka, seremban, and then to kl again.

by the time i was 11, we had moved about 9 times and i had been to 3 different schools, 4 if you count my nursery in quetta, where, at 3 ½ years old, i didn’t know anyone and didn’t speak any english and would cry if my mom didn’t sneak away fast enough undetected.

the last move from kl to the present house was the worst.

i had by then made good friends – our stay in kl just prior to the move was the longest we had stayed anywhere since i was born.

and what was to be my senior year at primary school ruling the roost with friends, never happened.

once again, i was the new kid on the block.

uprooted without consultation.

each time, i would suffer from what i now refer to as the “first day of school” syndrome, that feeling of deepening sickening anxiety coupled with a sensation like a growing lump in my throat and an absurd feeling of wanting to burst into tears at the slightest provocation.

i have been having the very same feeling recently since i sent that inquiring text to my boss and got his reply that i could move down, and had put it down to the impending loss of my perfect view of mrsexy.

but the truth is its not (all) about him.

i have moved before in this office, from the middle room to a different spot in the middle room, to the back room, and to this front one, without any qualms whatsoever.

each time however, the move had been to a better place, and i didn’t feel the slightest bit sick.

but this time it’s different.

i really like my room now.

it’s a proper room with a door that i can leave open and embrace all the goings-ons and banter outside, or keep closed and cut out all sounds from the rest of the office if need be, and play my songs on the pc speakers without disturbing anyone.

from my chair i can see the blue sky outside in the mornings, and the threat of rain in the afternoons.

i can open the blinds and let sunshine in through my two little windows without effecting everyone else; i can open the windows and feel the breeze on my face or smell the rain and when i need a break, roll my chair to the windows or just chill and watch the world go by (and sneak a peak at mrsexy).

i control what i hear who i see, who hears and sees me.

the boss’ room downstairs is bigger, yes, and it has newer and nicer furniture.

but for all that it’s also (only) a glorified cubicle: the “walls” don’t reach the ceiling, and it shares one partition wall with the big boss’ room (hence the request that he not smoke).

i will not be able to shut out sound (or smell), or keep noise in.

i’ve tried opening the blinds but because the second floor has the same floor to ceiling glass concept as mrsexy’s office and the blinds cover the entire width of the glass (and by default most of the room), i either let in too much light, or too little.

a long cabinet blocks access to most of the windows.

i won’t be able to see the sky anymore.

it feels too exposed and strangely claustrophobic at the same time.

on a plus point, moving down would actually make *me* more visible to mrsexy if i have the nerve to open the blinds that much (as he would then effectively be looking down into *my* room whenever he is at the window on the phone).

so if all i wanted was to be more visible to mrsexy (and at least 5 feet closer), moving down would be the best thing to do.

i will still have a partial view of the conference room, but will be looking slightly *up* at it, rather than down (and all the way to mrsexy’s table at the end).

but it won’t make that lone figure huddled in front of his laptop at 11 pm visible to me anymore.

and the loss of that tiny residual shred of comfort, on top of everything else i will lose, is a little too much to bear.

it’s not (all) about mrsexy.

it’s about control.

i’ve made up my mind.

i’m not moving.

now i just need to tell the boss.


(then again for all my rationalisation i could just be a lovesick puppy and don’t want to leave my perfect view of mrsexy. har har).